The first and likely the most important thing you can do is realize that a baby has died and this death is just as “real” as the death of an older child. The parents’ grief and healing process will be painful and take time, lots of time. They may not be recovered or done “thinking about their baby” after a month or even a year. Realize that the parents are sad because they miss their baby, and that he or she can never be replaced by anyone else, including future children or children they may already have.

Try not to be uncomfortable when talking about the loss. Talk about the baby by name, if they have named the child. Ask what the baby looked like, if the parents saw the baby. Most parents need and want to talk about their baby.

A good thing to say is, “I can’t imagine how you feel. I just wanted you to know that I am here for you and am very sorry.”

Offer to bring over meals; often mothers have no energy to do even basic things.

Be careful not to forget the father of the baby. Men’s feelings are very often overlooked because they seem to cope more easily. The truth is that they are quite often just as devastated as their partner.

Try to remember the anniversary of the death and due date with a card, call, or visit. Anniversaries can trigger grief reactions as strong as when the loss first happened. Months down the road a simple “How have you been doing since you lost your baby?” can give much comfort.

If the children want to talk about the death, don’t be afraid to engage them in conversation. Children have a natural relationship to death and they are open and direct with adults with whom they feel comfortable. When children are allowed to share their dreams and thoughts openly, they are not usually impacted by death in a negative way.